What's a Red to do?
by Dreaming Rain
Summary: Rufus Shinra hatches a diabolical plot to destroy the AVALANCHE headquarters. AVALANCHE themselves are barely surviving a bigger problem: themselves. Once again, it's up to a red liondogcatthing hybrid to save them sigh This just might be funny.Please rev
1. Chapter 1

**What's a Red to do? By Dreaming Rain**

**A/N: Ignore the lame name. And...well...it isn't ENTIRELY about Red, he's only shown in a more favorable light than the others that's all. Please don't kill me; I'm too stupid to die.**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything mentioned in the following stories. I don't even own fertilizer, or Rufus' violet socks. You'll see.**

'Years of planning and plotting have finally brought me to this joyous day! At long last, I have the secret whereabouts of the AVALANCHE terrorist organization!'

Seated on his comfortable leather seat, Rufus Shinra continued to gloat in an unsettling manner.

'So long have I waited for this moment, and now, it has come! Soon the fools shall see that meddling in the affairs of Rufus Shinra only brings destruction to the meddlers! Muahahahahahaha!'

Standing by his side, Tseng looked unquestionably disturbed.

'Sir? Would you like a-'

'Silence! I shall not be spoken to like a mere commoner! Be gone, yon knave!'

Tseng sighed. These I'm-a-crazy-dictator-hear-me-gloat fits of Rufus' were really getting annoying.

'My enemies come closer, but I shall soon...DESTROY them! Muahaha-'

Rufus was cut off by a sound blow to his cranium, courtesy of one tall, Wutaian Turk.

'Sir, are you alright?' Tseng asked innocently, quickly putting his cranium-thumping hands behind his back.

Rufus shook his head to bring his wandering eyeballs back on track.

'Y-yes, I'm fine. Something hit me, Tseng!'

'Heh, no!' Tseng swallowed. 'You...fell asleep and hit your head on the desk.'

Rufus blinked.

'Oh, ok then. Back to the issue. We have the whereabouts of the AVALANCH headquarters. Question is, what do we do with it?'

'We _could_ just storm it and capture them all.'

'True. But I want to do something _mind-blowing_. Something _staggering_. Something preferably involving explosions.' Before Tseng could reply, the office door swooshed open.

'Your memos, sir.'

Rufus' secretary came in, trying desperately to flutter her eyelashes, waggle her hips and appear both professional and attractive at the same time.

Rufus took the sheet without even a glance at her.

The poor woman sighed and waggled back. Oh well, some other time.

'What's on the agenda?' Tseng asked, having no idea how strange that sounded to the author when she said it out loud.

'Have to destroy a sector of the slums-Wait. That's it!'

'You remember where you've put your violet socks!' Tseng asked eagerly.

Rufus blinked again.

'No...I realize how I can get rid of AVALANCHE, _and_ get a sector of the slums removed!'

'So you still can't remember where those violet socks are?'

'I'll let you know when I do.'

* * *

Red XIII, a red lion-dog-cat-thing hybrid, and a genius to boot, woke up on the floor of the bar to the musical sound of Cloud's shouts in the morning.

'ALL RIGHT! WHICH CLOWN PUT THE $# HAIR DYE IN MY SHAMPOO!'

Red sighed. Cloud was such a dunce. Anyone with an OUNCE of sense could tell it had been Yuffie. But Cloud just had to make a ruckus.

Yuffie ran down the stairs, giggling like mad.

'Ssshhh!' she whispered. 'Don't tell him I'm here!'

'Don't worry; he won't be out for at least a few moments,' Red replied, fully aware of Cloud's limited attention span.

Tifa was the next down the stairs, cheerfully humming a cheerful tune cheerfully.

'Good morning Red! Good morning Yuffie! It's such a cheerful day, how about we have muffins for breakfast today, h'mm?'

'Yay!' Yuffie cart wheeled around the room.

'Tifa, you make muffins _every single_ day!' Red told her.

'So?' she pouted. 'Don't you like them?'

'Ahem, well...that isn't really my point, my point is just-'

'MUFFINS IT IS THEN!'

At the sound of Tifa's voice shouting muffins, the entire team ran downstairs, with the exception of Vincent, who was still asleep in the cellars.

'Yuffie, go wake Vincent up, please,' Tifa requested as she mixed the batter and caused it to fly up to the roof.

'Why do you guys always send ME to wake Vincent up?' she pouted.

'Because the girls want you and Vincent to be together as much as possible so you two can fall in love with each other, thus leaving Tifa and Aerith with no other option but to fight over Cloud. That way, they both can't tell the other to back off and go for Vincent instead,' Barret replied intelligently.

Yuffie blinked.

'Ahem, he means because you're the only one who can scale the walls of the cellar,' Aerith quickly said, giving Barret the evil-eye. Barret hung his head in shame.

As Yuffie scaled the walls and tried to wake Vincent up without falling on him, Aerith turned angrily to Barret. 'Barret! What did you blurt all that out for!'

'I'm sorry. I jes wanted to sound smart for once.'

'You? Smart? Hell no!' Cid exclaimed, going off into fits of laughter as he thought of Barret in graduation robes, doing the monkey. Cid has a twisted imagination.

'What do ya mean, hell no! I can be as smart as the next idiot!'

'That's the whole #$ point!'

'You think you're so smart!'

'Yeah!'

'Yeah!'

'Yeah!'

'Yeah!'

'YEAH, YOU'RE BOTH STUPID, HAPPY!' Cloud shouted, coming into the room.

Everybody turned to look at him.

'What?' he asked.

'Nothing,' Cid snickered. 'Ketchup head.'

'What?' Cloud asked again. 'I didn't catch that last-'

'We didn't say nothing,' Barret chuckled. 'Carrot top.'

'Are you guys trying to make a point?' Cloud asked angrily.

Aerith looked up at him and gasped in shock.

'What's wrong Aerith?'

'Um, nothing, nothing, Reno-I mean Cloud.'

Cloud looked very confused, which was quite a common occurrence. However, Red finally took pity on him.

'Cloud, Yuffie put hair dye in your shampoo, and you used it anyway, and now you have red hair.'

'RED!' Cloud shouted.

'Yes, red, as in you have red hair-'

'No, I mean _Red_ as in; Red I didn't know you were awake.'

Red blinked. 'I...see...No, I don't see, but that doesn't matter.'

'Wait,' Cloud said slowly, 'you just said that Yuffie...my shampoo...hair dye...' He crinkled his eyes up in effort.

'C'mon carrot top, you can do it!' Cid encouraged.

Cloud crinkled his face up as well. 'I got it! Yuffie secretly put hair dye in my shampoo, and I realized it, but I got distracted by the shiny tap, so I used it anyway and now my hair is red!'

'There you go Cloud!' Aerith beamed. 'I knew you were smart!'

'Yeah!' he grinned happily. 'I'm really smart! So what's for dinner?'

'Breakfast, Cloud, and we're having muffins,' Tifa told him, coming with a huge chocolaty-brown stack.

'Wow, Tifa, these look great!' Barret said with a huge smile on his face. That smile quickly slid off, however, the second he tasted the things. His face turned green and his eyes looked like they were about to pop out of their sockets.

'What's wrong Barret?' Aerith asked, taking a bite as well. She choked and began coughing violently.

The others took one look at their faces and quickly decided they weren't hungry.

'Tifa,' gasped Aerith, 'w-what...did you put in them?'

'I used the chocolate muffin mix. It's on the bottom shelf.'

Cid got up to pick up the little packet which clearly read 'Super-Extra-Yucky-Fertilizer'. Deciding not to question what fertilizer was doing in the kitchen, he sat down silently.

'Well?' Tifa demanded. 'Aren't you going to eat!'

'Ehehehe...' Everyone laughed weakly, with the exception of Barret and Aerith; both of whom were still choking.

Once again, it was up to Red to save the day. 'Tifa, dear,' he said slowly, 'we'd LOVE to have these _delicious_ muffins you made, but the fact is, we're quite full from that _wonderful_ dinner you made last night. Your cooking was so good that we stuffed ourselves silly, so now we can't eat a bite.'

Everyone nodded frantically.

'Oh.' Tifa deflated a bit. 'Right. Ok.'

'Mmmmmm...hope you guys left something for us!' Yuffie shouted, climbing out of the cellar, followed by Vincent.

'No, Yuffie! Don't!'

Too late. She stuffed a muffin whole in her mouth, choked, and ran to the bathroom.

Vincent looked around the table. 'I take it we are full from last night's dinner?'

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

What's A Red to Do?

A/N: Why does no one like Red? I like Red...when I can remember him. (Droops) Oh alright, I'm one of those evil people who conveniently forget about him. But I'm making amends!

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the people or things mentioned in this story. But I own the extremely pathetic plot! Yay, go me!

When the entire AVALANCHE team had (supposedly) finished their breakfast, they sat in the TV lounge to discuss very important matters.

'How do I get this off my head!' Cloud yelled. He would have yelled right at Yuffie, but Yuffie was still in the bathroom, so he decided to unleash his anger on anything nearby, which preferably would not hurt him for shouting.

'Cloud, stop shouting at the chair and sit down.'

Who said the thing had to be alive? Cloud sat down anyway, with a very sulky face.

'I look like Reno,' he moaned.

'That is totally impossible, dude.' A voice floated through the window. 'Reno is the man! No one, NO ONE can look like Reno, because...RENO ROCKS!'

'Now who could that be?' Vincent wondered dryly.

'Vincent, it's Reno,' Barret said. 'Couldn't you guess?'

'I was being sarcastic, Barret.'

'Oh. My bad.'

'Quite alright.'

Reno lost his patience. He just doesn't like being ignored. So, he jumped in through the window. Conveniently forgetting the pane of glass.

'OW!'

'Careful!' Tifa said worriedly. 'You might break the window! Just come in through the front door, you idiot!'

Reno got up, brushed himself off, and walked in through the front door.

'Hello, y'all. I expect you're wondering why I'm here?'

'Not really. I mean, we don't really care,' Aerith smirked.

'Aren't you guys wondering how I know where you live!'

'There's a signboard on the roof saying AVALANCHE HEADQUARTERS. What kinda #$ idiot couldn't guess?' Cid asked.

Reno turned a little pink. 'Uh, yeah. I was just foolin' around, y'know? But, uh, anyway...I have a request. Can I see the house?'

'You're sitting here, ain't ya?' Barret pointed out.

'No. I mean like, walk around the rooms, look for little hiding places, say, like where you could hide slow acting time-bombs or something. Please? Oh pretty please?'

'HUDDLE!' Cloud shouted.

The team huddled at the back of the room.

'So,' Cloud whispered. 'How do I get this dye off my head?'

'You called for a huddle for that!'

'No. I called a huddle 'cause huddles are cool!'

Everyone sighed.

'I think we shouldn't let have let Reno in to begin with,' Red started. 'Why is HE so interested in looking over the house?'

'Maybe he wants to buy it,' Tifa said.

'Maybe he wants to join us,' Barret contributed.

'Or maybe it reminds him of his childhood home,' Aerith added.

'Maybe he's just #$ crazy,' Cid graciously remarked.

'...' Vincent put in helpfully.

The sound of retching came from the bathroom.

'That settles it!' Cloud declared. 'We let him look over the house!'

'What! Are you crazy?'

Red went totally ignored however, as Cloud walked towards Reno in all his red-haired glory.

'Reno...sure, you can see the house.'

Reno jumped up. 'Wow, you mean it?'

'Of course!' Aerith beamed. 'We all trust you.'

Reno wiped a tear out of his eye. 'Wow. That means a lot to me. I-I've never been trusted before! It-it feels so...warm and fuzzy inside that I-Oh no. I did_ not_ just say that!'

'You did,' Barret informed him.

'Dammit, I've been watching too much Oprah!'

'You watch Oprah?' Tifa asked.

'Uh...have to see your rooms! Bye!'

Reno sped up the stairs.

Red sighed. 'This is ridiculous. At least let me follow him!'

'No!' Aerith said. 'We've told him we trust him and we can't betray that trust.'

Just then, Reno came down the stairs. 'Uh, left my bomb, I mean package, on the sofa.' He picked it up and went upstairs again.

'Vincent!' Red appealed to the brightest intellect in the house. 'Please! We have to see what he's up to!'

Vincent shook his head slowly. 'I have been the cause of much pain to my lost love. I will not be the cause of pain to anyone else.'

Red's eye twitched. '...Fine. I'm going after him.'

'NO!' The entire team dog-piled on Red. A little ironic. Well, it would be if Red was a dog.

'Gerroff me! Can't...brede!'

'Sorry Red,' Aerith said sweetly, 'but Reno is turning over a new leaf, and we need to support him.'

That was when Red lost it. His temper I mean.

'HOW CAN YOU ALL BE SO STUPID! WHY ARE YOU BLINDLY LETTING A VILLAIN INTO YOUR ROOMS!'

'We're trusting, and you should be too,' Tifa lectured.

'Well, Tifa,' Red smirked, 'all I can say is, I hope you've locked your cupboards, because Reno's always wanted to rifle through your stuff and...'

Tifa paled. 'RENO!' She ran upstairs.

Everyone winced as the sound of somebody's head being banged against a doorpost reached their ears. A few minutes later, Tifa came down, dragging Reno by the ear. She threw him right out the window and brushed her hands.

Nobody commented.

Yuffie came out of the bathroom and looked around. 'So, what did I miss?'

'How do I get this off!' Cloud shouted at Yuffie.

Yuffie gave a stubborn look. 'I have no idea what you're talking about. Get what off?'

'This hair dye! I look like Reno! No, I look worse!'

'What dye, Cloud? You've always been a red-head, remember? That's why your mom named you Cloud.' Yuffie smirked.

Cloud stopped and pondered on this latest development. 'Wait...That doesn't make any sense!'

Yuffie shrugged. 'Ain't no way I'm telling you how to get the stuff off.'

'Just bleach it off,' Barret yelled exasperatedly.

'I can't! I tried! It's too strong! I'm going to be a red-head forever! If I can't be blond, I'm becoming a social recluse!'

Tifa and Aerith rounded on Yuffie. Tifa cracked her knuckles. Aerith took out her staff. Yuffie stuck her tongue out.

'Oooooh! CATFIGHT!' Cid shouted happily.

'ENOUGH!' Red yelled, getting sick of the scenario. 'Tifa, Aerith, sit down! Yuffie, get the stuff off Cloud's head or we'll force-feed you Tifa's muffins!'

Yuffie turned green at the thought and Tifa pouted.

'Ok,' Yuffie said. 'It's easy. Just wash your hair with hot water. REAL hot water.'

'Thank you!'

Cloud ran upstairs and after a few seconds, there were sounds of howls and shrieks coming from the bathroom.

'How hot is the water supposed to be?' Tifa asked.

Yuffie shrugged. 'That's up to him.'

'I smell soup,' Vincent remarked.

The team shot him weird looks and edged away.

Just then, the phone rang. 'I'll get it!' Barret squealed happily. 'Hello?'

Noticing everyone looking, he quickly added 'Punk.'

'_Is this AVALANCHE headquarters?'_

'No, this is Barret Wallace.'

'_...Is this PLACE I have called to the headquarters, then!'_

'I'll ask.'

On the other side, there came a sound of someone groaning.

Barret turned to the others. 'Hey guys, there's a guy askin' weird questions. What do I do?'

Tifa sighed. 'How many times have I taught you to answer the phone? You just never learn! Here.'

She took the receiver. 'Hello, this is Tifa Lockhart speaking, may I know who's calling?'

'_This is Rufus Shinra. How are you Miss Lockhart?'_

'Oh, I'm fine. How are you?'

'_Tolerable. A slight cold is developing though.'_

'Oh, that's too bad. How's everyone else?'

'_Good.'_

'Children doing ok?'

'_Oh yes, Timmy got an-Hey! I don't have kids!'_

'Well, it was a pleasure talking to you-'

'_Wait! I have some news for you. There is a bomb in your house.'_

'Yeah, and I'm the queen of Kalm.'

'_But I though I was the-Ahem! There is indeed a bomb. I had Reno plant one there while he was looking over your house. It's a time-bomb, you know. So it'll blow up when the time comes. Of course, we set the time so that it'll blow up. When the time comes. Because it's a time-'_

'Get on with it!'

'_Right. At exactly 12 pm, the bomb will detonate, causing the entire sector to blow up. The time is now 10 am. You have two hours to live. Of course, even if you survive, the slums won't, so either way, I'm a winner. Enjoy your last few moments of life.'_

'Why thank you. Do call again.'

'_I'll try. Give my love to everyone.'_

'Will do. Say hi to the missus for me.'

'_Sure...wait. I'M NOT MARRIED!'_

Tifa hung up and turned to the others. 'OHMYFREAKINGGODTHERE'SABOMBINTHEHOUSEWE'REGONNADIE!'

'Calm down, woman!' Cid yelled.

'What happened? Who was calling? Was it those insurance companies again?' Aerith asked.

'It-it was...Rufus. Rufus Shinra. He-he said...there's a bomb in the house.'

Everyone fell silent.

'Do not panic,' Vincent said in a calm tone. 'There is no reason to worry. There is simply an extremely dangerous bomb planted somewhere in the house, and we are all about to suffer a painful and harrowing death. No need to worry.'

Yuffie screamed. 'That's because you're immortal you dimwit!'

'H'mm...you're right. I suppose you all SHOULD panic then.'

'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!'

Everyone, with the exception of Red and Vincent began running around in circles and shouting their heads off.

Just then, Cloud came in, hair back to its pristine blondness. 'What's with all the ruckus?'

'There's a bomb in the house!' Aerith cried.

'We're all gonna die!' Yuffie screamed.

'What do we do!' Barret yelled.

Cloud looked around the room slowly. 'There's a bomb in the house, so you all scream and run around in circles? I'm surprised at you all.'

'Cloud,' Tifa said slowly, 'when bombs blow up, you DIE!'

Cloud looked around the room again. 'What're you all waiting for! Start panicking! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!'

Vincent smirked smugly.

'You do realize the bomb will be very painful,' Red told him. He instantly regretted his words as Vincent turned pale (or paler than he usually is, which is impossible) and began screaming like the others.

Red gave a groan.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: The last chapter! Wow, this has actually been pretty fast. For me, I mean, because this might be the first thing I've actually finished in my life! Yay, breakthrough! **

**DISCLAIMER: Noting mentioned in the following story belongs to me. Not even a week-old peanut butter sandwich. I wouldn't let it last that long. Assuming I had a jar of peanut butter around me.**

Red XIII sat quietly on the side of the room, thinking quickly. There was a bomb in the house, and even if the team managed to escape, the entire sector would blow up. What could they do?

It was a tribute to the pervading stupidity in the air that it took Red three minutes before he figured it out. Find the bomb and defuse it, of course.

'Alright, everyone! Stop!' he yelled. 'I have an idea!'

Nobody listened.

'I HAVE AN IDEA!'

Everyone continued running in circles.

Red sighed, and tried again. 'Anyone who runs in circles is a big, fat Don Corneo!'

Everyone promptly stopped.

'Thank you,' Red said. 'Now, listen to me. We must find that bomb, and defuse it. It's simple. We do that, and nobody gets hurt.'

'Or dies?' Yuffie piped up.

'Or dies. Now, time is of the essence, so we only have five minutes to discuss.'

'Well, Reno came in,' Tifa said slowly. 'He...had some sort of package. That must have been the bomb!'

'Oh, brilliant, Sherlock,' Vincent said acidly.

'Hey! What happened to your I-shall-not-cause-anyone-pain deal!'

He shrugged. 'If I am about to suffer extreme physical pain, I might as well be mean. Besides, knowing Hojo's incompetence, I'm probably not even immortal. And if I'm going to die anyway, there's no point torturing myself for living on if Lucrecia is dead.'

'Ok, whatever!' Cloud yelled. 'We have to find the bomb! So where could Reno have hidden it?'

'He was upstairs, so it must be hidden upstairs. Maybe in Tifa's room?' Aerith suggested.

'He also went into Aerith's room and Yuffie's room,' Tifa said quickly.

'Least he has $# taste,' Cid commented. 'Only a retard would go to _Cloud's _room.'

Cloud pouted. 'My room is very nice, and you're just jealous that you don't have figurines of yourself and I do. So there!'

'Fine, we don't care,' Red snapped. 'Three rooms, so we split up into three teams, and look for the bomb in the three rooms. Tifa, you take Barret and Vincent and check in your room-'

'But I don't want them to got through my stuff!' she pouted.

'Fine, take Cloud and Cid-'

'I don't want Barret and Vincent handling _my _stuff either!' Aerith said. 'In fact, I don't want _anyone_ handling my stuff!'

'Yeah,' Yuffie piped up.

'Well, I'm gonna check Yuffie's room anyway,' Cloud said. 'I'm pretty sure she took my new materia, AND that peanut-butter sandwich I made for myself last week!'

Yuffie turned pink. 'I have no idea what you're talking about. Do I look like the type of person who'd steal?'

'Well I ain't going to Aerith's room,' Cid growled. 'The $# smell's enough to make me go insane! All those flowers and that flower-scented air spray and flower-scented bed-spreads and flower petals all over the floor and-'

'How do _you_ know all that?' Aerith asked dangerously.

Cid paled. 'Uh...I'm psychic?'

'Fine, then pick teams yourself!' Red suggested impatiently. Time was ticking by.

The girls stood and thought carefully.

'Well...'

'Hmmm...'

'I dunno...'

'That's it!' Red said. 'We're picking names out of a hat! Get some paper and write all our names on it.'

'Why don't you do it, Mr. Bossy?' Yuffie asked.

'I don't have any thumbs. Now start writing.'

Red moaned impatiently as the team first debated over who should write the names. Vincent was chosen for is superior hand-writing. Then Vincent began the slow and laborious task of making sure he got everyone's name spelt right.

'So Red, should I write Nanaki or Red or Red XIII?'

'Any, it doesn't matter.'

'It does matter. The name you have been given since birth is yours and yours alone. It is an identity, one which you cannot part with, even in death. Ah, Lucrecia, what a name you had! It still lives on in my memory and forever shall...'

'Write Red then, just hurry up!'

'Are you sure? Wouldn't Nanaki be a better option? After all, that is what you were named and-'

'Fine, Nanaki then!'

'But we call you Red, so-'

'Vincent! Just write Red!'

Vincent obliged, and soon the names were written.

'Now to find a hat,' Tifa said. 'Who's got a hat?'

Everyone looked around.

'Oh come on, somebody's got to have a hat! I mean, who doesn't wear hats nowadays?'

'Hold it, I got a hat!' Barret called out. He reached into his back pocket and fished out a huge monstrosity of silk flowers and fake fruits.

Everyone blinked.

'What? It was my wife's favorite hat.'

'Okay...' Cloud took the hat and put the papers inside. 'Now pick!'

Tifa, Aerith and Yuffie picked the pieces.

'I only got one!' Yuffie screeched. 'I want two too!'

'I thought you didn't do ballet!' Cid said, cracking up. 'Get it? She said two too. Tutu!'

Everyone stared at him.

'Cid...don't,' Aerith said. 'Please. Just don't.'

Cid pouted, looking extremely strange, but everyone ignored him.

'Ok, Cloud and Cid are coming with me,' Tifa said. She gave a huge grin, then quickly ironed it out.

'Vincent and Barret are with me,' Aerith said.

'Great!' Yuffie grumbled. 'I'm stuck with the dog!'

'I am still here, Yuffie, in case you'd forgotten!'

'Yeah, yeah, let's just go find the bomb!'

Yuffie pushed open the door of her room and quickly shut it again.

'Oh well that was my room didn't see the bomb there did you, neither did I so I guess it's not there oh well we'd better go look in some the room then!'

Red gave her a stern look. 'Yuffie, what are you hiding?'

'Nothing!'

'Good. Then let's go in.'

He pushed open the door. The room _seemed_ normal enough, but then again, so did Yuffie. It was only when you got to the depth of her character that you saw the true evil, and by then, you were beyond saving. Red shivered.

'Alright Yuffie, start searching. The bomb could be anywhere. Under the bed, in the drawers, in the wardrobe...'

They began looking. Or at least, Red would try to look into a place and Yuffie would rush there before him.

He opened the wardrobe and Yuffie promptly shut it in his face. 'Uh, I'll check it!' she said nervously.

Red peeked under the bed and Yuffie threw herself in front of his line of view. 'I-I'll look here!'

'Yuffie! This is not working! I already know that you stole everything that has been missing in this house since the day you got here! Right now finding the bomb is more important than hiding your crimes! Let me look, and if we survive, I won't tell the others. Deal?'

'Promise you won't tell them? Or be mad?'

'I promise. Now let me search in peace.'

Yuffie turned to look in her drawers when an outraged gasp came to her ears. Turning, she saw Red standing by her wardrobe.

'My chew toy! You _stole_ it! I thought it had been lost! How could you!'

'Ehehehehehehe...you promised you wouldn't be mad with me! You promised!'

Red recalled, to his disappointment, that he had. 'Fine, but give me Chewy back.'

'No way! I use it to swat flies!'

Red turned green. Figuratively, of course. What kind of a name is Green XIII?

'Fine, keep it then. Now hurry, we have to find the bomb!'

They resumed searching the room, during which time Red found a box full of materia, some alarm clocks of questionable origin and a pair of suspiciously familiar violet socks.

'So Red, what does a bomb look like, exactly?' Yuffie's voice floated to his ears.

'I'm not entirely sure what this one will look like...'

'Oh. Because, I wanted to know, is there any possibility that it's shaped like a metal box with lots of wires sticking around and a screen with flashing numbers on it? I wouldn't bother you, but there's something that looks like that stuck to the sandwich I borrowed from Cloud.'

Red stopped and turned around slowly. Yuffie was dangling said sandwich with said device attached to it in a very...care free manner.

'Yuffie,' Red said carefully, 'DON'T put that thing on the ground, okay? Just hold it and DON'T let it touch anything. Just relax.'

Yuffie's eyes widened. 'Red,' she asked in a calm voice, 'am I holding the bomb in my hands?'

Time slowed down. Well, no it didn't, but it seemed like that to Red. 'Yuffie, just relax,' he ordered. Too late.

'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I'VE GOT A BOMB! OH GAWD I'M GONNA DIE! I'M GONNA DIE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!'

The entire AVALANCHE team ran in to the room and gasped.

'You DID steal my sandwich!' Cloud yelled melodramatically, pointing at Yuffie. 'I've had enough!'

'Cloud, stay back!' Tifa yelled. Too late.

Cloud lunged at Yuffie and the sandwich (with the bomb), flew into the air, and landed with a thump on the floor.

Everyone stared as the seven-day-old peanut butter squelched out of the sides and seeped into the bomb. There was a snap, crackle, pop and then silence.

'Did...did it stop?' Barret asked cautiously.

Red slowly went up to the bomb/sandwich. 'I-I think we defused it!'

'Is that a good thing?' Aerith asked.

'Aerith, it means we stopped it from exploding! We're safe!'

'YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!' Everyone began dancing around the room, whooping and cheering.

'We did it!'

'Yeah, go peanut butter!'

'Woohooo! We're heroes!'

'Let's go shave our heads!'

Everyone stared at Vincent, who blushed. 'Forgive me, I was caught up in the moment.'

'Well Vincent, I for one cannot blame you,' Red said happily. 'We've managed to outsmart Rufus Shinra and save the slums. His little device is rendered useless now.'

He gave the bomb a kick. It flew across the room and hit the wall. The screen flickered back to life, and as everyone stared, the screen flickered...3...2...1...

'Thanks a lot Red,' Cloud snarled. 'It's going to take weeks to clean this gunk out my hair!'

'I'm sorry! How was I supposed to know that the bomb would explode peanut-butter everywhere!'

Tifa sighed. 'Geez Red, for a smart person you sure are dumb. EVERYONE knows that's what bomb seeped with peanut butter do.'

The team nodded, all shoveling peanut butter out of the rooms.

'That's impossible Tifa,' Red argued. 'If the bomb was defused by the action of the peanut butter, it would require inflammables or a catalyst to bring about a return of its explosive properties. Besides, there is no possible way so much peanut butter could be generated in the space of a minute.'

'Oh shut up Red,' Yuffie groaned. 'You're dumb. Just deal with it.'

Red stared at her. '_I'm_ dumb? You people think _I'm_ dumb?'

Aerith patted his head soothingly. 'It's okay, Red. Just face up to it. It's okay if you're stupid.'

Red fought the urge to cry.

**Well, glad that's over. Poor, poor Red. Yay, I finished it! Go me, go me! Sorry. Right, so, please review, even if you didn't like it. Please, oh pretty please, whatever sanity I have depends on it! Wow, I have sanity, that's new.**


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